Don't Quit

When things go wrong, as they sometimes will,
When the road you're trudging seems all uphill,
When the funds are low and the debts are high,
And you want to smile, but you have to sigh,
When care is pressing you down a bit-
Rest if you must, but don't you quit...

I am sitting here contemplating the idea of failure.  I am very tired of feeling like a failure all the time.  I have set a goal for myself that most people don't attempt, and of those that do attempt, most quit, and of those that do manage to win, 70% win only temporarily and gain it back within 5 years.

So...

I have had a very hard few days.  Not hard because dieting is hard.  Hard because not-dieting is even worse.  For me, that is.

I have failed.

This weekend I went out to eat with my husband.  We went to Macaroni Grill and I ate such delicious salty bread dipped in olive oil and cracked pepper, and a tiny Caesar salad on the side.  I told myself I was doing ok because I saved my main dish to take home with me.  But later we went out to eat again.  Curt wanted dessert.  So we went to TGI Friday's and I ordered a huge plate of fried potatoes slathered with a thick layer of gooey and greasy yellow cheese and I covered it with salt and dipped it in sour cream and ate it all up.  Well, not exactly all... Curt was still under the impression that I actually cared about myself.  He suggested I eat half - to stick to my diet - and I complied, when really by this point all I wanted to do was eat that entire plate and ask for seconds and a huge strawberry dessert to finish.  But I didn't.  I even ordered water to drink, rather than a large, calorie- and sugar-laden glass of flavored lemonade.  But I know I was wrong.  None of those half-hearted attempts to stick to my diet really matter, because I know I still failed.

Life is queer with its twists and turns,
As every one of us sometimes learns,
And many a fellow turns about
When he might have won had he stuck it out.
Don't give up though the pace seems slow -
You may succeed with another blow.

I know exactly why I failed.  I didn't plan ahead.  I WANTED that food.  I wanted to eat it.  I just gave up.  I failed because I stopped believing that it mattered what I did in that moment, because I said "Tonight is a special occasion; I will resume tomorrow."  I failed because I decided to forget that tomorrow always comes.  And when I decided to face the consequences "later", I forgot that "later" always comes sooner. 

Temptation comes from our own desires, which entice us and drag us away. (James 1:14, NLT)

I failed because I entertained my desires instead of firmly dismissing them.  And that will never lead to success.  Right now I don't know if I will ever succeed. Right now I firmly believe that I will be fat forever, and that my health will precipitously deteriorate until I am a miserable, helpless, bitter old lump of fleshy sickness, hobbling around cursing my fate.  I have set an impossible goal for myself, and I don't know how to win, when nobody else is winning, and when I don't even know if I want to try anymore.

Often the goal is nearer than
It seems to a faint and faltering man;
Often the struggler has given up
When he might have captured the victor's cup;
And he learned too late when the night came down,
How close he was to the golden crown.

No, I know.  I DON'T want to try anymore.  I'm tired of failing.  I'm tired of feeling like I am inherently a loser, unaccomplished, a weak-willed underperformer.  I don't know how to win.  Why should I be different from anyone else?  Weight loss is a billion-dollar a year industry; why do I have the nerve to think I am any different from all the other millions of people who struggle with obesity, including my own family?  Why do I have the nerve to think I am special?  That I deserve more and better?  Why should I bother, when it is a losing game?

Success is failure turned inside out -
The silver tint in the clouds of doubt,
And you never can tell how close you are,
It might be near when it seems afar;
So stick to the fight when you're hardest hit -
It's when things seem worst that you must not quit.

But that's just the thing - I DO think I'm different.  I do think I deserve more.  I believe that I am exceptional, darn it!  I believe I don't have to be this way, that I'm not supposed to be this way.  I KNOW that I am unusual and extraordinary.  And I know that if I can just figure out HOW to win, I will be a huge example to other people struggling with this very same thing.  I really believe that God is pulling for me.  He wants me to win this too.  I know it!  I just don't know HOW to win...

I remember reading once about when the disciples were struggling with a battle (in Mark 9): after having had some victories, they ran into a particularly harsh failure.  They were confused.  They had seen God's hand at work time after time and now... why had they been so miserably defeated?  Jesus answered that their unbelief had tripped them up.  They had allowed themselves to be overcome by doubt, and in that moment, they slipped.  "Why didn't we win? Why couldn't we defeat that spirit?" they asked Him.   And he responded (Tanica's paraphrase): "There are different kinds of spirits, with different levels of strength. This guy, this one who beat you down, well, he's a strong one.  He can only be thrown out using prayer and fasting."

I have seen God at work in many people's lives.  I have seen miracle after miracle. I know He can; I know He will... He has already told me what I need to do, now I just need to do it.

My husband was cutting the grass one Sunday.  I looked out the window to see my son following patiently behind him.  He had no purpose.  He was not helping.  He was just walking.  He just wanted to be close to daddy.

He hath shewed thee, O man, what is good; and what doth the LORD require of thee, but to do justly, and to love mercy, and to walk humbly with thy God? (Micah 6:8, KJV)

I want to be like that.  I want to be close to my Daddy.  I want to walk so closely with Him, be so intertwined with Him, so wrapped up in Him, that when I think, its His thoughts I hear. When I walk, its His footsteps I follow.  When I eat... He moves my hands and motivates my heart so I desire what He wants me to desire, and then my appetite will drag me closer to Him, and His will for my life.