Failure?

"We are all 30 seconds from our former selves." ~ Dennis Wallace

My cousin is a very wise man.  He said the above statement, and it touched me deeply.  I have been struggling with the idea that I should be immediately different and things should get easier.  But nothing is getting easier.  Even my hold on God is tenuous and fragmentary.  One second I feel that I am in control and on top of the issue.  The very next second I am shattered, my confidence depleted, trapped in a whirlwind of temptation so strong that I feel as though I will explode if I don't immediately run into the kitchen and eat something.  Silly, yes.  Overwhelming?  That doesn't begin to describe the strength of the temptations, and the resulting emotional upheaval.

I am sending my children to my parents house for 2 weeks.  I feel that if I left them here with me, somebody would die.  (Ok, yes that is hyperbole, but it is an emotional truth.)  I am so up and down with my moods because I get angry that I can't have a bit of spaghetti, or a spoonful of turkey salad.  I frown, and fuss, and swing on my emotional pendulum.  I'm pretty sure my kids think I am insane.  If I wasn't inside my head, I would think I am insane.  Most of the time I don't even catch the frown on my face until my head starts hurting because my face has been squinched up for the past hour for no reason.

So.... I am sending them away.  It is my attempt to hold on to some of my sanity, and to put them in a happier place while I get myself together.  I hope that while they are gone I find the sanity that I apparently put into cold storage.  It is my hope that I will be able to really buckle down and drink my juice all day, every day, so I can be healthier and happier by the time they come back.  With them gone, I will have all day to focus on my goals without any distractions.  I am hoping that will make things easier to manage.

Also, I have heard over and over again that if you are removing one habit, replace it with another.  So I thought it might be a great idea to replace my food addiction and TV habit with a computer game that I used to love.  I called myself finding something clean to obsess over.  So I bought the Sims 2.  I haven't owned or played this game since 2005 but I remembered it being so engrossing that I could play for hours.  Now I thought I would be able to come play whenever I was tempted and it would distract my mind.  Did it work?  I suppose it depends on my definition of success.   I have been able to use it for distraction, yes.  However, I really want to be able to go about my day and accomplish things on my To Do list rather than sit hiding in Curt's office on the computer.  I might as well be on Facebook, or playing MSN Games.  It is all the same thing.  And my level of obsession as been dramatically reduced as far as the Sims game goes.  Unfortunately for me, my real life is way more interesting than the Sims life.  Actually I'm kind of irritated with those little fake people.  My kids, on the other hand, are now completely engrossed in creating and playing this false life.  I think my plan has backfired.  Apparently I really suck at problem solving.  Oh well.  On to the next thing.  Excelsior!